‘The Filthiest Street in Britain!’
A short history of a parallel universe soap opera
‘It’s like Punk Victoria Wood!’ (Andrew Wright, YouTube)
November 31 1972, a day that will forever live in the anals of British broadcasting. Granada Television sought to hitch a ride on the permissive bandwagon and transmitted the pilot episode of a new serial scheduled to air in a twice-weekly slot after ‘News at Ten’. Given the go-ahead by the IBA to break new ground in terms of ‘foul language’ on the grounds that the only people watching would be insomniacs and weirdos (decent people went to bed earlier back in the 70s), Granada produced a programme unlike anything previously seen on British television. Described by the Guardian TV critic Digby Smugg as ‘The Archers directed by Derek and Clive’, ‘Buggernation Street’ featured the everyday stories of decadent folk living on a terraced street in the fictional Lancashire town of Weatherfield. Every resident of the street had a penchant for at least one ‘sexual perversion’ - flagellation, fisting, Satanic abuse, schoolgirls, golden showers, chocolate sandwiches, buggery, open air solo symphonies, transvestism, indecent exposure, pegging, prostitution - you name it, the residents of Buggernation Street had a crack at it.
Although the series quickly developed a cult following with its unprecedented swearing and hip cultural references (Steve Hillage of Gong was said to be a fan), those whose listening habits wore slippers were largely as appalled as renowned moral crusaders like Lord Longford and Mary Whitehouse. A campaign to get the show taken off the air began the day after the pilot episode was broadcast, but Granada milked and ignored the outrage in equal measure, arguing so few people were watching that they may as well leave it where it was - whilst simultaneously promoting the programme by ensuring Peter Adamson (AKA Len Fairclough) was present at the premiere of every new Mary Millington movie as well as carrying out public functions such as opening the children’s pool of Salford Baths in 1974.
The small number of critics who spoke up for the series praised its ‘realism’, pointing out that ‘Buggernation Street’ was not just the only programme on television where the characters went to the toilet (and commented on it afterwards), but was a rare example of a show in which those in it spoke the unvarnished language of real people. ‘If Chaucher wrote for television,’ said Alf Garnett creator Johnny Speight in 1973, ‘he’d be writing Bugger-f***ing-nation Street!’ However, by the time its third anniversary came around, the writing was on the wall and several ITV regions had dropped the series; Granada decided to abruptly axe the show in September 1975, wiping episodes to ensure it was never seen on TV again, but enabling myth and legend to grow around it for decades thereafter. It remained out of sight until the 28 surviving episodes began to find their way onto YouTube in the 2010s, resurrecting it as a bad taste cult classic from the pre-PC world. After years of rumours that individual cast members had preserved copies of ‘missing episodes’, these eventually started to resurface too. By 2021, the programme was immortalised as the 1970s’ best-kept secret, like some televisual repressed abuse memory…
Click on the button above to see confiscated ‘Buggernation Street’-related material recently discovered in the private archive of a retired police officer
Click on the button below and buy a bona-fide piece of genuine ‘Buggernation Street’ merchandise in the shape of the show’s 1975 Annual…
BUGGERNATION STREET AVAILABLE EPISODE GUIDE
1: THE FIRST PILOT
Something of a minor miracle it’s survived, but the first pilot serves as a handy introduction to the characters and their respective perversions. Dialogue is exposition-heavy as a consequence and the episode is also notable for marking the solitary appearance in the series of Stan and Hilda Ogden’s daughter Irma. She is periodically referenced in a handful of future episodes, described by her mother as ‘a pain in the arse’ with the backhanded compliment, ‘nice tits, though.’ The main plot of the pilot concerns an aborted striptease show staged at the Rovers by Bet Lynch and Lucille Hewitt, curtailed by Annie Walker’s early return from a cinematic outing to see ‘Straw Dogs’. (Rating: 8/10)
2: THE SECOND PILOT
With the characters and tone of the prospective series now pretty much established, we’re plunged straight into familiar filthy territory as Stan’s hopes of joining the Masonic set known as the Buggernation Brotherhood are scuppered by his reluctance to participate in the sodomy ritual that marks a new member’s initiation ceremony. This invokes the ire of other male-only members, who resentment of Stan is expressed by speaking eloquently of the anal pain they had to endure themselves. The other storyline sees Deirdre coaxed into a career ‘on the game’ as Billy Walker morphs seamlessly from boyfriend to pimp. (Rating: 8/10)
3: A FAVOUR FOR LEN
The first episode proper once Granada had given the go-ahead for a regular series, this one sees Len Fairclough attempting to bribe various residents to provide him with an alibi as he prepares to embark upon one of his ‘swimming lessons’ down at Weatherfield Baths. (Rating: 7/10)
4: ERNIE’S PROBLEMS
Ernie Bishop’s impotence makes its first appearance here as an ongoing narrative, with wife Emily’s attempt at resolving the problem being a private striptease behind closed doors, something that Stan Ogden seems more interested in when he overhears about it. Elsewhere, Billy confesses to Deirdre that he’s a transvestite, confidential information she immediately passes on to Ray Langton; and Len takes Rita Littlewood on a ‘double date’ with Elsie Tanner and Alan Howard. (Rating: 8/10)
5: DEIRDRE ON THE GAME
As the title makes clear, this episode mainly covers Deirdre’s successful first night walking the Weatherfield streets for Billy. Meanwhile, Ray Langton and Elsie Tanner pay Stan not to show-off Polaroids of Hilda’s latest attempts at ‘Reader’s Wives’, and Ernie Bishop finds himself the only attendee at the annual ‘Friends of Albert Tatlock’ gathering other than Albert himself. (Rating: 8/10)
6: EVACUATION
The Street is emptied of residents following a suspected gas-leak, but the stink from the drains turns out to be a discarded blow-up doll dumped by Len months before. A drunken Annie Walker then stumbles her way through a local radio interview whereby she slags off her neighbours, including Fred Gee (making his one and only appearance in the series), who she says ‘looks like a friggin’ Sea Devil from Doctor Who’. Fred’s furious response is to declare, ‘I don’t even know what one of them bloody is!’ (Rating: 7/10)
7: SWINGERS’ PARTY
The Street’s residents are busy trying to guess the identity of ‘The Mystery Masturbator’ who has been leaving a trail of evidence in the back-alley behind the houses; Hilda accuses Alan Howard in the Rovers, leading to a fist-fight between Elsie’s fella and Stan. Meanwhile, Emily’s latest scheme to cure Ernie of his impotence is to hold a swingers/car-key party, though this ends disastrously when Ray Langton spikes Jerry Booth’s drink and a pissed-up Jerry announces to everyone present that he and girlfriend Mavis have started fisting each other. (Rating: 8/10)
8: LEN’S BITS ON THE SIDE
Deirdre’s mother Blanche enjoys a ‘double bumming’ courtesy of Len and Billy, whilst Len then expands his portfolio by spending an afternoon ‘up’ Bet Lynch, something he quickly regrets and makes clear to Bet. With concerns over the barmaid’s ‘masculinity’ confirmed as Len confesses his indiscretion to Annie, the Rovers landlady sacks Bet from the Rovers. Elsewhere, Alan’s secret identity as the Mystery Masturbator sees him volunteer for treatment as an in-patient at a local mental hospital, much to Elsie’s embarrassment. (Rating: 10/10)
9: STAN THE SEX SLAVE
Ken Barlow gets married again, though Uncle Albert’s observation that ‘her tits aren’t as big as our Valerie’s were’ proves prophetic as Ken’s new bride Janet makes it clear she only wants to appear in one episode. When Janet walks out on him, Ken nevertheless receives a guarantee from corner shop-assistant Norma that she’ll gladly be his ‘sloppy seconds’. Bedtime is considerably more successful for Stan & Hilda, though the use of the Kama Sutra as a manual causes disturbance for the other residents. (Rating: 8/10)
10: HOLIDAY ’74
The Street women holiday together in Spain whilst the men left behind struggle to cope; Jerry is wearing Rita’s knickers as he looks after the Kabin and Stan’s plans to visit a cheap knocking-shop are ruined when he discovers it’s been demolished. Meanwhile, Mavis is the only member of the holidaying party to pull as she snogs a waiter by the name of Manuel after telling him that, unlike Rita, she swallows. (Rating: 9/10)
11: LEN ON TRIAL
Len is in court, accused of indulging in an improper sexual act with a minor. Luckily for Len, the leading magistrate is a fellow member of Weatherfield Satanic Abuse Society and he gets off. Back on the Street, Deirdre rejects Billy’s offer to run one of his ‘Walker’s Saunas’ in Accrington as a madam and she quits his payroll, deciding to work from home alone. (Rating: 9/10)
12: BONFIRE NIGHT
Ken returns from a holiday in the Bahamas with runaway wife Janet, who convinces him she wants them to get back together. Alan is on a week’s release from the loony bin, but Elsie refuses to be seen in public with him at a bonfire event. Further fireworks explode as Bet and Hilda scrap over ownership of a sideboard Stan buys from the former in the mistaken belief he’s purchased an antique bargain. (Rating: 10/10)
13: BETTY’S FANTASIES
Betty Turpin makes the mistake of confessing her erotic fantasies involving Bet to Bet herself; soon the whole street knows, much to the anger of Betty’s sister Maggie Clegg. Ken reckons the only way to resolve the problem is for Bet and Betty to sleep together. Meanwhile, Ernie appears on local radio to discuss his impotence, providing his neighbours with amusingly intimate details of his private life. (Rating: 10/10)
14: DINNERTIME
Jerry is out of his depth as he takes Mavis for a meal at a swanky Italian restaurant, declaring he’s far happier eating beans-on-toast in his socks, vest and underpants in front of the telly. Bet encounters a former fellow rent-boy from her days as ‘Bert’; when she refuses to lend him money, his threat that she’d ‘better watch her back’ returns to haunt her when Stan - revelling in receiving a blow-job from Rita - finds an unconscious Bet beaten-up in the back-alley. (Rating: 10/10)
15: BET GOES AWOL
Gail and Tricia visit Albert Tatlock in the hope of scrounging a few quid, but find themselves subjected to a unique form of torture as the old git bores them rigid with tales of all the battles he’s taken part in. Bet discharges herself from hospital and walks about in a trance until returning home, where Eddie Yeats turns up, fancying his chances. Bet rejects his advances, declaring ‘Nobody likes a fat scouser anymore than they like a chick with a f**king dick!’ (Rating: 10/10)
16: XMAS
It’s Christmas on the Street and there’s a DIY variety show at the Rovers - Lucille sings ‘Release Me’, Ray & Jerry perform ‘Long-Haired Lover from Liverpool’, Rita does Marlene Dietrich doing Nico, and Albert Tatlock tells some racist jokes. At the end of the episode, the regulars gather round Ena Sharples on the piano, who leads them in a medley of traditional festive numbers such as ‘All I Want for Christmas is a Dirty Shag’. (Rating: 10/10)
17: MAGGIE’S MAMMARIES
A paranoid Elsie is convinced Alan is obsessed with Maggie’s breasts, though he denies it as much as Maggie. Ernie and Emily’s latest brainwave to solve Ernie’s impotence is surgery, but it’s not available on the NHS, so they stage a money-raising benefit at Bessie Street School without success. Meanwhile, Jerry and Mavis make a ‘sex film’, something that necessitates late nights, leading to tensions between Mavis and Rita in the Kabin the following morning. (Rating: 10/10)
18: HER SATANIC MAJESTY
Annie Walker is sworn in as the new Chairman of Weatherfield Satanic Abuse Society, despite not being a Satanic Abuser. Ernie and Emily now resort to asking their friends for financial donations to pay for Ernie’s impotence operation, which proves to be another disaster - and Deirdre tells Blanche she’s decided not to turn their home into a brothel after all. Stan, on the other hand, figures he can avoid paying the TV rental by setting fire to the set; unsuprisingly, the plan fails and the Ogdens end up owing more than they did in the first place. (Rating: 8/10)
19: FOR OLD TIME’S SAKE
Hilda is determined to spice up her sex life by purchasing a see-through nightie whilst Len finds solace in the arms of old flame Elsie after running away from a nightclub brawl Rita gets involved in. Ken, on the other hand, has a successful crack at Rita before he decides to spend a night with the missus instead of making Rita a more permanent fixture. (Rating: 10/10)
20: ON WITH THE SHOW
Emily Bishop leads the way in a production of Oscar Wilde’s ‘The Importance of Being Buggered’ at the Community Centre. The show proves successful despite various cock-ups during the performance. Len’s plans for luring Rita back to his place after hiring Hilda to remove all traces of Elsie works better than Gail and Tricia’s attempts at redecorating the corner-shop before Maggie returns from visiting ‘her Gordon’, hindered as they are by Ena and Betty. (Rating: 10/10)
21: HOT POT
Stan tells the social he and Hilda have several kids they’ve never claimed for in order to get enough Family Allowance to rent a colour TV set; Hilda marks the occasion by posing for an elaborate portrait photo taken by Ernie. Ken is showing-off as an amateur chef, but his plans to make a meal for Len and Ray are sabotaged by his snooty attitude and incompetence, despite Minnie Caldwell’s assistance. The women nominate Maggie as the bride for this year’s Weatherfield Wedding, an annual mock marriage ceremony staged as an excuse for a communal piss-up in fancy hats. (Rating: 10/10)
22: THE WEATHERFIELD WEDDING
The big do comes around with a kidnapped and bemused ‘bridegroom’ persuaded the local custom is just harmless fun. Ken and Janet don’t attend as Janet is expecting her birthday to take priority; Ken marks it with petrol station flowers, supermarket plonk and a slap; but at least Albert ends the day on a high as Minnie tells him he can watch her wee. (Rating: 9/10)
23: THE PRODIGAL PERVERT
Billy is determined to ban Stan from the Rovers after the bogs are blocked again, though Len’s reluctance to attend the kangaroo court lead some to suspect one of his own ‘legendary logs’ may have been responsible for the blockage. Elsie is pissed and feeling sorry for herself when Alan turns up to inform her his hospital treatment is over; she refuses to take him back and storms off, ending up getting run over by a taxi. (Rating: 10/10)
24: BORDERLINE NECROPHILIA
Elsie is recovering from her accident in hospital when Alan visits to take advantage of her dazed condition; she agrees to have him back on a trial basis. Bookie Dave Smith tries to do a good deed by offering his services as a gigolo free of charge to Ena and Minnie, both of whom reject the offer, whilst Hilda announces she and Stan will be holding a ‘sex party’ the following week. (Rating: 8/10)
25: HILDA’S JANIE JONES PARTY
Hilda’s ‘sex party’ is no such thing, but merely a crafty way of persuading Stan to let her host a do at their place; Stan doesn’t realise and invites an actual ‘prozzy’ to spice things up. Ray’s amorous ambitions are thwarted by Billy, who cops off with the ‘escort’ after being rejected anew by Deirdre, whilst Hilda acquires a virgin admirer and Ken gives Bet a stiffie. (Rating: 10/10)
26: EDDIE’S AMBITIONS
Eddie Yeats hires an Alsatian as a guard-dog for his intended security business; the lack of interest prompts him to nick some copper from Len’s yard and leads Stan and Albert to plan hiding in the Rovers’ cellar overnight, both actions proving Eddie’s services are needed. Billy, inspired by Dave Smith, also embarks upon a new business venture - as a gigolo; Blanche ends up as his first customer. (Rating: 8/10)
27: ILLICIT PISS-UP
With Albert and Stan hiding down in the Rovers’ cellar, hoping to spend the night drinking Annie’s barrels dry, Hilda assumes her husband’s failure to come home implies he’s with his fancy piece on Inkerman Street; Hilda makes a fool of herself as she storms off to the address. When a blotto Albert and Stan are discovered the following morning, Annie bans them both but lets the humiliated Hilda off the hook. Emily appears to have finally solved Ernie’s problems, but an aching Ernie can only take a strap-on in small doses. (Rating: 8/10)
28: BORING OLD WANKER OF THE YEAR
It’s that time of the year again when Albert Tatlock wins his annual accolade, marked by a street party during the day and a fancy dress do at the Rovers in the evening; celebrations are extended when Betty is voted ‘Barmaid Babe of the Month’ and Bet’s bitterness at being excluded from the contest is compensated for by a private film show at Len’s place. (Rating: 9/10)
29: LEN’S BIRTHDAY
Len celebrates his birthday in typically depraved style, making obscene phone-calls, giving and receiving with Bet, and intending to indulge in a live sex show with Rita in an after-hours lock-in at the Rovers. Alan and Elsie are absent, with a pissed-up Alan coming close to setting the house on fire earlier; Albert Tatlock is also absent, busily planning his new career as a gigolo. (Rating: 10/10)
30: DEIRDRE’S FANTASIES
Emily visits a local strip-club, photographing the strippers in the hope the images will excite Ernie; she previews the end results for Ena and Minnie, but a photo of Len riding Bet accidentally interrupts the slide-show. Ray discovers Deirdre’s unfulfilled fantasy is being bent over a bonnet by a mechanic, but Billy beats him to it when he borrows Alan’s garage. Hilda tells Stan he’s getting old, with the evidence being a new strain of middle-aged stains in his Y-fronts. (Rating: 10/10)
31: RAG, PROG & BOBTAIL
The Rovers’ band play together for the first time - Billy and Ken on horns, Alan on guitar and Ernie on piano; they have a crack at ‘Theme One’, though Ena Sharples isn’t impressed. Ray Langton comes up with a wheeze for Weatherfield Polytechnic’s Rag Week (in the hope of copping-off with a student girl): one of the street’s residents will leave a steaming turd on the Ogden’s carpet when they’re both out. Elsie gladly volunteers to do the dirty deed, but an entire team has to be assembled to plot and enact a tricky operation. (Rating: 10/10)
32: ALF - A ROMEO
Alf’s constipation threatens to scupper his spanking sessions with Maggie until he solves the problem and proposes ‘expanding the repertoire’. Despite Stan’s ‘medical condition’ enabling Hilda to acquire a second TV set (courtesy of a disability benefit he’s now entitled to), Stan himself gradually seems less enthused at the prospect of ‘having the permanent shits’. Ken and Janet set tongues wagging again as they end their ‘dirty weekend’ in public, whilst Eddie Yeats informs Minnie of his plans to pull Bet.
(Rating: 9/10)
33: MEAT SUPPER
A desperate Eddie Yeats sets his sights on a desperate Bet Lynch, with the fat scouser putting all his prison experience into practice when it comes to seducing a ladyman. However, this time round it’s not Bet’s dubious past that comes back to haunt proceedings, but Eddie’s. Elsewhere, Maggie is prepared to give Alf the benefit of the doubt when it comes to his suggestions for their spanking sessions, and Emily’s attempts to raise funds for charity sees Albert Tatlock challenge anyone to accompany him on a walk across Weatherfield Moor. Emily nominates an enthusiastic Jerry. (Rating: 9/10)
34: ALL GIRLS TOGETHER
Norma decides she and Maggie deserve better than the men poorly servicing their needs and proposes they have a ‘girl’s night in’; Alf salutes his spanking partner for her spirit of adventure. Meanwhile, Albert proves he’s the embodiment of masculine virility when walking Weatherfield Moor for charity with Jerry Booth - despite the legend of the site being plagued by witches and werewolves. Len is berated by Billy for pestering Lucille to indulge in threesomes with him and Rita, and the Ogdens’ social superiority, courtesy of being a two-telly household, is brought to an ignominious end. (Rating: 10/10)
35: UNLUCKY IN LUST
Jerry persuades Mavis to indulge in his fantasy of watching her ‘having it off with other blokes’, but her attempt at soliciting a stranger at Weatherfield Station ends in her arrest by a plain clothes policeman. Len fares no better in his intended date with a schoolgirl, when her father gives him a shiner. Ray strikes it lucky with Bet, but receives a slap from Tricia. Meanwhile, Hilda manages to persuade Betty to part with her late husband’s truncheon and handcuffs in her latest attempt to spice up her sex life with Stan.
(Rating: 10/10)
36: NICE ONE, CYRIL
Alf and Len go head-to-head in the battle to become Lord Mayor of Weatherfield; when the former triumphs, the latter recives comiserations from Cyril Smith, Liberal MP for Rochdale and fellow Satanic Abuser. Meanwhile, Elsie is grilled by fellow ‘old slag’ Ena Sharples, following her (gratefully-received) offer to Ken Barlow, and Emily’s latest efforts to receive her conjugal rites fall flat as Ernie loses it when confronted by the realities of a sex shop. (Rating: 9/10)
37: ANOTHER BLOODY XMAS
Eddie Yeats is back on the Street for the Christmas holidays and immediately attempts to pick up where he left off with Bet before their intended night of passion was rudely interrupted. Jerry has his hopes dashed when Mavis bottles out of a Christmas Day dinner-orgy at a swingers’ club, Stan dreads Hilda’s festive role-playing (involving a truncheon), and Maggie is confronted by several disturbing Christmas requests. (Rating: 9/10)
38: SING A SONG OF DECADENCE
Rita makes her debut at a new nightclub by performing a moving rendition of ‘My Ding-a-Ling’, though makes it clear to Pink Floyd-loving Ken that she doesn’t do requests. Elsie lays down the law to Alan by insisting on a different kind of night out, on the back row of the cinema; he offers to take her to see ‘120 Days of Sodom’. Meanwhile, Betty decides to go for it with Bet, even though her memories of sharing a bed with a fella are a little rusty. (Rating: 10/10)
39: WILD IS THE WIND
The Rovers takes on the Flying Horse in a sporting contest: Len doesn’t quite live up to the standards of Graham Miles, but Betty and Ena triumph in darts and dominoes respectively. Meanwhile, hungover Stan is pushed into the farting competition the day after being a floppy observer of Maggie and Norma’s ‘lesbian sex act’; Norma also finds time to receive an education from Ken on the subject of Joyce’s x-rated love letters. (Rating: 9/10)
40: SCRUBBER’S DAY
It’s Scrubber’s Day on the Street and the residents mark it in their own unique way. Stan forks out 6p on a card for Hilda, Ray promises to lavish Angel Delight and Blue Nun on Deirdre, Jerry places a suggestive ad in the classifieds section of the local paper, Ken organises a junior disco at the community centre, and Alan persuades Lucille to indulge in a threesome with him and Elsie. Meanwhile, Gail rejects tradition and invites a poet round for an intellectual education that ends on a sour note, despite the fact he professes not to like chins. (Rating: 10/10)
41: SATURDAY SHITE FEVER
The Weatherfield weekend kicks-off with Alf making a record request to Ed Stewpot’s ‘Junior Choice’ for Maggie whilst Minnie comes to terms with the shock news that King Crimson have split-up. Despite the danger of the prick-teasers at the Community Centre, Ken hosts a film night for them, though Ernie & Emily’s home movies are sabotaged by a bitter Len. Man City’s unexpected win means Alan is honour-bound to treat Elsie to a meal out, though the pair return home to find Lucille and a ‘friend’ enjoying ‘Parkinson’. After being persuaded by Alan that another threesome with Elsie will result in a harmonious household, Lucille agrees. Billy, meanwhile, struggles to accept the latest demands of Deirdre. (Rating: 10/10)
42: SUNDAY BLEEDIN’ SUNDAY
It’s Sunday on the Street, and Minnie’s reluctance to accompany Ena to church is something the former attempts to make up for via afternoon tea, even if she makes the cardinal error of inviting Albert. Billy continues to be tormented by the prospect of Deirdre’s latest fantasy - although he and Ray quickly suss out her manipulation of their libidos. Lucille does her best to act as peacekeeper between Elsie and Alan during Sunday dinner, though her role as Elsie’s conscience backfires when Hilda is belatedly made aware of Elsie’s role in Stan’s misdiagnosed premature defecation. Jerry is no more fortunate in appealing to Elsie, and Ken struggles not to ‘do a Len’ when confronted by a randy prick-teaser at the community centre. (Rating: 10/10)
43: ALBERT’S LECTURE
Elsie continues to rule the roost by adding new ingredients to the threesome recipe with Alan and Lucille, Ken spurns Norma’s latest proposal to offer the marital bed to his estranged missus again, Ray usurps Billy in Deirdre’s new fantasy by banging her over the yard’s office desk and photographing the experience, and Alf finds it hard to resist shoving his hands down his pants and sniffing them after every spanking. Meanwhile, Albert persuades Ken to let him give a lecture at the Community Centre about his centuries serving Queen, Country and Empire; he doesn’t realise the audience receiving his talk on how he defeated the ‘fuzzy-wuzzies’ might not be particularly receptive. (Rating: 9/10)
44: COMPETITION TIME
Hilda’s attempts at competing with the threesome-next-door makes a lot of noise, but ultimately leaves her with a sense of anticlimax; a relieved Stan coaxes Hilda’s true fantasy out of her and escorts his missus to a TV rental shop to provide her with the required thrills. Albert’s community centre lecture leads to an interview on local radio, though Minnie interrupts his nostalgic flights of fancy. Elsewhere on the street, Jerry’s restlessness inspires a bout of self-abuse that provokes a house-call by the local constabulary. (Rating: 9/10)
45: JERRY ON TRIAL
Jerry appears before the magistrates on a charge of indecent exposure, but he can count on the support of both Bet and Len as witnesses to his innocence and character. An even greater crisis looms for Albert, concerned that Minnie’s birthday meal at Jackson’s chippy is going to cost him more than a quid; but he reckons compensation will come at the Rovers via free sausage rolls. Elsie and Alan enjoy an afternoon twosome that they keep secret from Lucille, whilst Billy bets on T. Rex dethroning Slade from No.1. (Rating: 10/10)
46: LIDO SHUFFLE
Len is in a foul mood as a swimming contest featuring the under-14s in bikinis is relocated from Weatherfield Baths to the lido - a venue he’s barred from. Mavis takes part in the competition and manages to swim four lengths in 92 minutes! Elsewhere, Betty submits to being measured for a sexy outfit by Blanche, whilst Elsie’s lovelife receives a jolt when Alan expresses his most vocal dislike of the threesome arrangement to date. Meanwhile, Ken fails to impress his missus yet again and Bet struggles to cope at the Rovers when Billy is back at the bookies. (Rating: 10/10)
47: BEDTIME STORIES
Lucille’s paranoia that Alan and Elsie are considering ending the threesome is compounded by Uncle Len’s lecherous optimism as to whose bed she’ll jump into next; luckily, she has ‘an insurance policy’ courtesy of a clandestine polaroid. Meanwhile, Billy’s visits to the bookies provoke a visit from a debt collector, albeit a young thug who finds Annie alone after the Rovers has closed for the evening; Billy is elsewhere, going where Len, Langton and Eddie Yeats have been before - Ladyman Land… (Rating: 9/10)
48: ANNIE’S NIGHT OUT
A skint Billy reckons the best remedy for his traumatised ma would be a night out on the piss with her fellow landladies, though neither realises that will consist of being entertained by Bernard Manning. Hilda is furious about an obscene cartoon on the wall of the ladies in the Rovers that features her ‘soggy mott’, whilst Elsie’s attempts to make Lucille feel less left out of the threesome flop as Lucille packs her bags and does a runner. Len, on the other hand, is basking in the glory of being Annie Walker’s saviour the night before as Mavis bakes him a steak & kidney pud. (Rating: 10/10)
49: MISSING IN ACTION
Annie convinces Bet and Betty she’s on her death bed, but Billy’s hopes of getting his hands on the pub are dashed again; Stan is dragged on a window shopping expedition with Hilda as penance for the previous evening’s annual 69; and Ken is concerned Janet wants to spank him in the bedroom. Also, Lucille is tracked down to a grotty bedsit and Elsie pressurises Alan into bringing her back home; he does so and appears to have ironed out his problems with the threesome in the process. Meanwhile, Minnie looks forward to the imminent Bank Holiday without Ena’s assistance and without Albert’s presence, having thrown him out of her home whilst he was on the scrounge. (Rating: 10/10)
50: WANK HOLIDAY
The residents of the street mark Bank Holiday in their own distinctive ways: Len takes Rita to Old Trafford for the Ashes test match, Hilda watches the test card, Minnie pretends her backyard is the seaside, and Ena organises an event at the community centre, booking a ‘turn’ whose identity she won’t reveal - much to the annoyance of Albert Tatlock. Will it be Peters and Lee? Will it be Mike and Bernie Winters? It could even be some androgynous alien who keeps all your dead hair for making up underwear. (Rating: 10/10)
51: DOUBLE DATE
Minnie places an ad in the lonely hearts’ column of the local paper and receives an invitation to afternoon tea; Ena reluctantly joins her when the old man who responded to Minnie’s ad brings his mate along - or is it his donkey? Elsewhere, Hilda recruits the contents of Deirdre’s laundy basket to spice up her sex life, though Stan seeks comfort on Inkerman Street, much to Ray Langton’s pleasant surprise. (Rating: 10/10)
52: SECRETS AND THIGHS
Stan tips-off Ray that a new nightclub on the eve of opening needs some last-minute plumbing in the hope it’ll make them all square; whilst there, Oggy encounters his perfect woman, who happens to be as thick as pigshit. Meanwhile, Lucille is planning to join Weatherfield’s equivalent of Pan’s People at the same establishment; Alf and Ernie desperately try to persuade Ena to agree to an interview with the NME; and Alan receives an unexpected call from an international playboy that could send his business into another league. (Rating: 9/10)
53: PAINTING THE TOWN BROWN
Hilda threatens Stan with castration if he goes anywhere near the new nightclub, though Ken agrees to accompany Len and Ray to the upstairs section, unaware that Lucille will be go-go dancing with her leggy pal in the basement venue. Annie Walker is also unaware as she accepts Nellie Harvey’s invite and is mortified when she sees it with her own eyes. Upstairs, meanwhile, Ken pulls and then gets pissed. Elsie is still in the dark as to Alan’s meeting with Jason King, missing his attempted phone calls; and Minnie admits she’s in the thick of her second childhood as she tries to tempt Ena with ‘Hickory House’. (Rating: 10/10)
54: DASTARDLY & CHUTNEY
Hilda discovers Annie Walker is planning a Rovers day-out at Buggerton Hall; rightly convinced Annie didn’t want her and Stan there, Hilda books herself on the trip, despite Stan’s assertion that stately homes are for working-class masochists. Following a punch-up with a rowdy punter, Bet’s shiner keeps her out of the way for the day, with Annie concerned the truth of the ladyman’s injury will give the Rovers a bad reputation; however, a bedside visit from Albert swiftly provokes a Lazarus-like recovery. Albert also dismisses Alan’s reliance on aromatic erection oils, revealing to Elsie an unlikely old tip he reckons works far better. (Rating: 9/10)
55: DAY TRIPPERS
Albert moans to Maggie about the Rovers’ gents leading straight into his kitchen, whilst Maggie is further lumbered with Alf’s paranoia over the state of her loo (provoked by guilty party Betty); Ray is annoyed Len has taken Rita dogging, leaving him and Jerry to cope with a backlog of work; and Bet seeks Langton’s assistance to decorate her flat, offering generous terms as payment. However, for most on the street, thoughts turn to local stately home Buggerton Hall; of all the regulars on the trip, Minnie fares best - buying some willy warmers from the Earl of Weatherfield himself! (Rating: 10/10)
56: A GOOD LOOKING COUPLE
Lucille signs-on and is sent for a job interview as a ‘product co-ordinator’ at Hillard’s in Salford; unimpressed, she returns to the Labour Exchange and is promised further shelf-stacking opportunities else lose her dole. Elsie is furious over rumours of what Alan got up to during his brief encounter with Department S and confronts Hilda, the source of the tittle-tattle; Albert is offended that Ena invites Ernie to dinner instead of him and storms off, locking himself in and refusing to entertain either Ena or Minnie; and Len receives praise from the barber over his recent dogging show with Rita, prompting him to ask Jerry if he can film the next performance on his cine-camera. (Rating: 9/10)
57: THIS GROTESQUE CONTEST
The male members of the Rovers’ clientele get to decide which woman has the Worst Tits in Weatherfield, though Mavis is unimpressed Jerry has nominated her - until she wins it. Minnie calls upon Len to settle an argument between her and Ena as to who sang the guest vocals on a track from Frank Zappa’s ‘Hot Rats’ LP; Norma’s patience with Maggie’s dithering over ‘finger pie’ finally snaps and she abruptly quits the shop, leaving Maggie in a pickle; and Stan and Hilda receive an unexpected visitor - daughter Irma, who declares she’s finally come home. (Rating: 10/10)
58: THE PRODIGAL DAUGHTER
Thanks to Ena’s ‘neighbourhood watch’, word gets around that Irma is back, and it’s not long before she’s once again esconced behind the counter of the corner shop; Albert looks forward to seeing ‘a nice pair of knockers’, whilst Ken contemplates a moral dilemma where his sister-in-law is concerned. Len is angry that Jerry can’t film his latest dogging expedition with Rita on account of the cine-camera’s lens being shattered by a ping-pong ball fired by Mavis, and Ray’s promise of shooting a promo film for Lucille and her blonde buddy is threatened by this development too. Meanwhile, Billy encounters Deirdre’s eccentric Auntie Renee as he incurs his mother’s displeasure by associating with the ‘rancid, specky slut’. (Rating: 10/10)
59: INELIGIBLE BACHELORS
Ken wakes-up to a ‘Dear John’ letter from Janet, but his attempts to celebrate stall as his new wardrobe meets a hostile reception and Irma is too busy being besieged by the attentions of Billy, Ray…and Albert. Emily has more luck with Ernie, whose new stick-on beard requires an adhesive with an odour that galvanises his dormant libido. Meanwhile, Jerry’s upset over losing his butt-plug means he’s not in the mood to accompany Ray and Alf to the seedy club Rita sings at…not to mention encountering its sleazy manager. (Rating: 10/10)
60: ERNIE THE SEX GOD
Ernie’s reactivated libido courtesy of his stick-on beard gives Emily concern that he might not be the safest pair of hands entrusted with Lucille and Lorraine’s go-go promotional shoot; Albert, meanwhile, is as envious of Ernie as Irma is of Elsie, having finally encountered (and flirted with) Alan. Stan refuses to budge despite Hilda’s entreaties that a fresh lick of paint will persuade their daughter to stick around, and Len pays a visit to the sleazy venue Rita is a ‘Jill of all trades’ at; even he is disgusted by what he finds. (Rating: 9/10)
61: BOMB SCARE!
The residents of the street have no choice but to participate in a training exercise to see how the police would cope in the event of a bomb scare; they are evacuated to the community centre, assured it’s merely a dummy run even though Hilda is convinced it’s a cover for a real bomb planted by ‘Barbara Meinhof’. Albert risks a hefty fine by refusing to take part, more interested to see if Jerry can discover if he and Minnie are singing the wrong words to their favourite song, ‘This Town Ain’t Big Enough For Both of Us’ by Sparks. (Rating: 9/10)
62: SHADES OF ALBERT
Albert decides the latest way for him to defy the years is to wear some sunglasses and pass for John Cale - though nobody else is convinced; Alan’s own way of looking younger is to acquire a new tattoo whilst checking out a cheap motor in Blackpool, with at least Annie Walker impressed by the addition to his physique; her account of accidentally being exposed to it fires Irma’s ongoing lust for Elsie’s feller. Meanwhile, Annie decides to belatedly acknowledge Mavis’s recent crowning as owner of the Worst Tits in Weatherfield, and Alf is disappointed by Maggie’s response to his suggestion they employ chutney to freshen up their sex life. (Rating: 10/10)
63: JOBS FOR THE BOYS
Ray’s ‘sprained wrist’ is dismissed by Albert, though it mysteriously heals when Langton visits Irma’s room and fancies being paid in kind for converting it to a separate flat; rumours that Annie Walker is contemplating a Rovers redecoration suggests further business opportunities for the firm, whether the jobs go through the books or not. Meanwhile, the thought of having to pay for Irma’s room prompts Stan to dip into Hilda’s purse, and Alf is rebuffed again by Maggie’s refusal to contemplate chutney. Ken, on the other hand, is more preoccupied with Albert’s denial over ownership re the log in the bog. (Rating: 9/10)
64: MINNIE & COMPANY
Minnie is more excited at the prospect of Eddie Yeats returning than Ena, with the latter’s woes added to by the news of a colour TV set being installed at the community centre. Alf’s latest brainwave to woo Maggie round to his way of thinking is met with hostility, though Maggie tells Elsie she hasn’t rejected Alf outright, merely his intended employment of chutney or chili sauce. Stan, meanwhile, thinks he can save on the expense of renovating Irma’s room by playing upon Ray’s soft spot for her - a concept that had already crossed Langton’s mind. (Rating: 10/10)
65: ABSINTHE MAKES THE HEART GROW FONDER
Ray finally starts work on Irma’s room, though the impending redecoration of the Rovers by the firm serves as a distraction - as does the discovery of a vintage bottle of absinthe sampled by Len, Langton, Jerry, Eddie and Alf. The colour telly arrives at the community centre, and Albert ensures he has a front row seat in time for ‘The High Chaparral’, even though he sleeps through most of it. Meanwhile, Ernie revels in being allowed to wear his beard in public again - as long as he refrains from making suggestive comments to female members of the community, Ena included. (Rating: 10/10)
66: DOMESTIC INCIDENTS
Jerry is irate with Len and Ray’s slack attitude towards the cost of living, especially when they bemoan his reliance on supermarket own-brand produce; Langton, meanwhile, has his plans for Lorraine disrupted when Billy gate-crashes his stint as DJ during her and Lucille’s go-go rehearsal. Eddie is preparing to return to incarceration at Walton, but tips-off an old acquaintance that a colour telly is available at the community centre - resulting in a shock wake-up call for Ena and inevitable heartbreak for Albert. (Rating: 10/10)
67: THE SHITE BEFORE CHRISTMAS
Ena has to stand her ground when suspicions surround the theft of the community centre’s colour TV set, with rumours primarily spun by Albert and Hilda; Mrs Ogden also has a new cocktail cabinet to brag about, which - along with the completion of Irma’s room as a separate flat - convinces Stan the Ogdens are coming up in the world. Fairclough and Langton then swiftly relocate to the Rovers, where the redecoration is in full swing in time for the festive season - one that it looks as if Albert will be celebrating on his own with a tin of pork luncheon meat for company. (Rating: 10/10)
68: SHITE CHRISTMAS
Albert keeps reminding Ena and Minnie that he’ll be spending Christmas Day alone with a tin of pork luncheon meat and wears them down to the point where they capitulate and invite him for Christmas dinner. Hilda receives three guests for her cocktail night and proceeds to empty the house of booze, despite Stan claiming her concoctions taste like Lucozade mixed with Domestos; Irma, on the other hand, begins to pay off her debt to Ray, and Rita looks forward to Christmas Day in the company of Mavis whilst wearing a bit of tat Len bought her, apparently from Woolies. (Rating: 10/10)
69: CRAPPY NEW YEAR
The New Year is greeted with a windy start on Alan’s part, whilst Ernie is under further pressure from Emily on account of his bearded behaviour over the festive holidays. Jerry is still going on about the cost of living and Ray eventually suggests he and Len accompany him on a day out at Fine Fare; meanwhile, Ken confesses to Elsie that he’s been meeting up with Janet in seedy hotels again, Albert is offered four free jars of chutney, and Maggie is uneasy about the new vocalist on the next Can LP. Billy is in a better mood, figuring Lorraine will owe him a favour now that he’s paid off a debt by fixing a go-go gig for her and Lucille. (Rating: 10/10)
70: I FEEL FINE FARE
Ray and a reluctant Len finally accompany Jerry on a shopping expedition to the local supermarket, with the two novices blowing their budgets on such exotic delights as chutney spaghetti and onion rings in chocolate sauce; Ernie’s inappropriate comments to female customers rebound on Emily, as she receives a slap from an offended victim of his stick-on-beard’s saucy banter; Ken brings Janet back home for lunch, though she makes it clear to anyone who’ll listen that she’s no intention of moving back in again; and Lorraine’s arse continues to weave a spell on not only Ray and Billy, but also Albert Tatlock. (Rating: 10/10)
71: FOUR’S COMPANY
Rita plans a romantic dinner for two, but Len decides to spice things up by inviting Ken and Janet along, an unexpected reunion that prompts Rita to propose a bit of partner-swapping. Another foursome - Lucille, Lorraine, Billy and Ray - reach an impasse when the latest go-go gig turns out to be little more than an audition for a knocking-shop that only one of the girls is enthusiastic about. Meanwhile, a snooty slur on Stan’s window-cleaning technique from Annie Walker leads to him boycotting the Rovers, Elsie informs Alan she knows what he got up to at the motor trade do, and Albert’s strip-poker tactics backfire when he takes on Minnie. (Rating: 10/10)
72: I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST NIGHT
The ramifications of Rita’s swap shop include some believing Len and Ken ended up in one bed, with Rita and Janet in another - a rumour put about by Ray and eagerly broadcast by Irma. Len isn’t impressed - and neither is Janet when she realises her private life is gossip fodder. Betty convinces Hilda she could keep a better eye on Stan if his Rovers boycott is abandoned, but Annie tells Stan he should stick to his principles; meanwhile, Elsie and Alan draw a line under the stripper episode, Ena hears Albert’s memoirs might feature her and Minnie, and Annie suggests an eligible bachelor as a potential boyfriend for Irma - Bet Lynch. (Rating: 10/10)
73: HAPPY SHAGGERVERSARY
Stan and Hilda celebrate 30 years since the first time they had it off - on a bomb-site which Hilda says is now a Co-Op; they receive congratulatory cards from Captain Beefheart and Holger Czukay, as well as marking the occasion with an evening ‘soiree’ at home. Irma, meanwhile, is told by Bet of Annie Walker’s match-making and proposes moving the two single beds in her room together so she and Bet can give it a go. Jerry opts for the outdoor option where his amorous intentions are concerned, by escorting Mavis to Weatherfield Woods, where he intends to bake spuds round a camp-fire and then indulge in a fisting session. Meanwhile, Minnie asks Ena if she can borrow a copy of Brian Eno’s second solo LP, but is unimpressed by what she hears. (Rating: 10/10)
74: ONE NIGHT ONLY?
Irma has a change of heart following her evening with Bet, though her distaste for what they indulged in softens when Bet breaks down and contrasts the experience with Len’s rusty ring and Eddie’s greasy crack. Meanwhile, Albert’s avoidance of the launderette’s price increase doesn’t quite lead to the easy end result he anticipated; Elsie’s announcement she’ll be away for the weekend prompts Billy to suggest Alan take advantage; Hilda suffers what she regards as an ‘industrial injury’; and Jerry’s efforts to reunite Len and Rita fall flat. (Rating: 10/10)
75: WHILE THE CAT’S AWAY
As soon as Elsie’s on the train to Birmingham, Billy is arranging the private get-together in her absence, persuading Lucille to stop over at the Rovers due to ‘Auntie Annie’ being wary of spending the night alone there. Although Alan is apprehensive, he agrees and quickly finds himself besieged by Deirdre once she arrives with Billy’s blonde tart; Len and Langton gate-crash, as do Rita and Bet - the latter rejecting Irma’s suggestion they go see a seminal film of the French New Wave instead. Len and Rita kiss and make up during the evening, whilst Jerry is absent, distracted by fixing Albert Tatlock’s toilet and forcing the old solider to unburden his bowels elsewhere - i.e. Minnie Caldwell’s. Come the end of the night, Deirdre retires to Alan’s bedroom. (Rating: 10/10)
76: CONFESSIONS OF A LAY-PREACHER
Alan does his best to clean-up before Elsie’s return, but both he and Billy are unaware Deirdre is comatose in Lucille’s room; they find out too late, when Deirdre staggers downstairs half-naked as Elsie is already back home. Elsie naturally thinks the worst and sends Alan to Coventry, eventually slamming the door in his face. Meanwhile, in the local chapel, Ernie is attacked by a bout of conscience and confesses to his congregation he committed an ‘indecent act’ with a girl he was photographing; Lucille learns it was Lorraine. Alf and Maggie do their best to avoid the gossip by sharing Sunday dinner whilst Ray suggests to Irma how she can pay off her debt quicker - by including Bet in the payment plan. (Rating: 10/10)
77: SPASTIC MASCULINITY
A pissed-up Stan gate-crashes Langton’s intended ‘orgy’ with Irma and Bet that would serve as payment for the kitchenette; when Len demands payment in cash for the job the following day, Stan is the one who’ll have to put his hand in his pocket. Jerry is incapacitated by a nosebleed brought about by accidentally opening a copy of ‘Water-Wings Monthly’, Alan is still in the doghouse with Elsie, Ernie is wrestling with his conscience over the Lorraine incident, and Lorraine herself reappears at Rita’s seedy place of nocturnal employment. Meanwhile, Ken journeys to Glasgow to collect his kids as Albert stays at home with an out-of-date selection box, and Alf picks-up an unlikely hitchhiker. (Rating: 10/10)
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